She lay there, dying slowly.
For a child of her age,
she had seen enough.
So painful was that last hour;
with those torn up clothes,
all that violation,
all of that murder of innocence;
they blew the life out of her.
So slowly, so horribly.
To be touched that way,
to become of age,
as a six year old;
she closed her eyes with fatigue,
when they finished;
as they tried to hide their crime,
the silence screamed for mercy for her.
"What’s the harm?"
They smiled as the darkness closed in.
She had peeked through the door.
She was just a child
She lay there, dying slowly.
I am a woman.
A human being. There is blood in my veins.
Nerves in my skin.
There are organs in my body like all the others like me.
But I hear.
That so many of us human beings
are not worth life and love.
We house lives in our bodies,
from love and lust.
We bear pains to protect the lives
entrusted to us.
I guess that is
not enough for the world.
We love all,
and we are rewarded
with rape. With abuse.
We are mothers.
We are daughters.
We are wives.
We are lovers.
We define beauty.
We are children of children we raise.
Not good enough.
We are good and bad.
But all those
people, they don’t see
Our bad is bad.
Our good is bad.
We are owned.
We are women,
striving to live,
striving to love.
Trying not to be the victim.
Trying not to be the predator.
We are women,
praying for humanity.
Why can’t I make you happy?
No matter how hard I try,
It’s one thing or the other.
I’m not athletic enough…
I’m not brave enough…
My tragedy is nothing to you.
You don’t care.
Or so I feel.
You raised me,
Held my hands when I began to walk,
Were there watching me when I began to talk,
And I was there when someone joined your love,
When there was now another who was going to get your affection.
How can you just act like you don’t care?
How can you just pretend that I am not who I really am to you…?
So you just straighten everything out,
And look in me in eye,
And say that you won’t do anything anymore?
Why do you call this love?
Why do I make you happy?
What is it that I do that makes you stay?
And if I do make you happy and peaceful,
Then why can’t you love me?
Why is it,
That I wake up every morning
Knowing that I failed you,
That I failed your love,
Only to make you turn around and run in the opposite direction…
Sometimes I cry, you know?
Lying down under heaps and heaps of clothes and blankets,
Listening to all those songs we sung together,
With tears the size of giant rain drops streaming down my face,
Just as painful as tears of blood staining the area like a murder scene from a movie…
When I meet you the next day,
I managed to wipe out those stains,
Wipe out all the traces of sadness,
And I smile without it curling into a grimace,
With dry sobs fighting to get out.
And when you tuck that hair strand behind my ear,
And hold my face gently in your palm,
You ask me what’s wrong,
But, by then,
All my worries are behind me…
Why am I so confused about you?
You laugh and kiss my cheek playfully,
Run about and hug me from behind,
But when alone,
You corner me on the way to school,
Hold me firmly against the wall,
And kiss me forehead so lightly,
That butterflies seat themselves slower than that…
You watch me in his arms,
Laugh and hang out with him,
You watch me laugh and cry when things get tough.
You hold my hand and hold me in your arms,
When I am so broken I can’t breathe right.
And when I’m happy suddenly you’re somewhere else.
When I see your eyes dim with that spark of life,
If this is what you get out of unrequited love…
One will wonder,
If, at the end so the day,
You gain love or you lose love…
It’s hard to write when one goes through this thing called heartbreak. And I mean heartbreak of all sorts. Many think heartbreak is associated to those romantic relationships that just dint work out. Wrong. Heartbreak is when there is that distinct pain everywhere because of any reason whatsoever. So many reasons can be thought of as to why. But usually that pain is caused by loss. I could be wrong, but to me, pain and loss are directly related.
Now back to the matter at hand. Writing in pain. Writing in that heartbreak. It is difficult, to put what your mind is yelling out to you into words. Sometimes you just lie there with one hundred million thoughts and emotions pulsing through your body. How can one put all of that on paper to show the world, to show the people that such situations exist in different forms? That makes things so much more harder when one wants to write that pain down, so that they can cry on that piece of paper. You want to embrace all the words echoing in your brain but there are too many. And the emotions just make it so much more complicated. They confuse you, make you scream when you want to lie down and be still…
Somewhere while writing in pain, I wonder, how did I get here? How did all of this happen? You want to write stories and poems about things worth living for, but here you are, writing out your sorrows and you wonder how, when, why. And when you pin point it, it being the reason, there is that bit of anger, that little bit of selfishness, where you disregard that pain is common, not just something you have. You curse and shout about how it is just not fair. Why would such things happen to you if you have done nothing wrong? Where is the karma now? Why would this happen to you? You yell and shout but you hear no answers. No one knows why.
But finally, at the end of the day, you are able to put it in words. You write anyway even though you wonder if what you write makes sense or not. And you wish…that there are others who feel just the same. There are people who wonder too. And you write to show others that someone feels the same. At least then, the pain came to use…
there is so much I want to see with you.
There are so many moments I want to spend with you.
but that is how I feel.
Suddenly I understand how you think,
suddenly I know how you work,
rather, how you survive.
Suddenly I see you,
and all of this sudden activity
occurs every moment that I know you,
that I realise you.
The world is scary,
we both think so.
And we both survive in this world,
how, I have no idea.
You are so strong,
and you take on the all that scary stuff even if you want to hide.
When you lay back in bed,
close your eyes, and then smile,
I can see your imagination running wild.
I can see all the champions,
all of them bowing for you.
I can see all your wild fantasies,
I see that you’re happy.
Baby, when you smile that way,
lost in all those thoughts,
I can’t imagine anything more beautiful.
when you tell me to write down all those thoughts,
I just can’t help but watch you tell me your stories.
You smile that way and laugh a bit,
as you make up romantic, cheesy stories,
lined with suspense and reality.
Your voice shakes at all those intense plot twists,
and you don’t stop laughing when you shock me,
with all the unexpected little bits.
Baby, when you break off from all this fun,
to stare into space,
lost in that pain which you don’t see coming;
when you lean on the door,
listening to what is being said to you,
said by people who you know love you,
you don’t know what to feel anymore,
When you come back to bed to talk to me,
your voice is heavy with all the whys and the hows,
and your eyes are filled with all those words,
which you feel define you.
I want to lay my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat,
go up and down with your mood;
I want to turn my head up and watch you,
as you tell me all those thoughts,
watch you as you smile and cry,
laugh and sob.
I want to watch as you talk yourself to sleep,
and fall asleep to the sound of you sleeping.
when I walk home alone everyday,
scared of all my complications,
Baby, I walk in to see you sleeping peacefully,
your headphones lopsided on your head,
your eyes shut with small shadows underneath your eyelashes…
All the complications go away.
I lay beside you,
close my eyes,
and wait until you wake up.
you and I,
are both lost,
in dream land,
where I want to be with you for as long as time permits,
and wish reality leaves us alone for just a while…
He screamed and woke up,
was shivering so much that even on a warm summer’s night,
he felt cold as ice.
He hugged himself and stared at his face,
as his heavy breathing was heard through the silence.
No one came through the door;
it stayed as closed as ever.
He glared at it with all his might,
daring something to happen,
wanting something to seem different,
from his haunted nightmares,
from all that hate,
from everything worth running away from.
He lay back on his pillow,
staring into the darkness above him,
feeling blank as ever…
She walked in,
with all that power.
She knew it wasn’t right,
she knew it wasn’t ethical at all,
yet she smiled,
as she remembered how she was used.
Used? Thought she.
No, not used if it was a win win,
not used if she managed to feel like a queen,
the same sort in Snow White.
She lay down on her bed,
and the dark euphoria of the recent events faded away.
She sat upright and stared at the mirror with horror.
well, wasn’t a mirror at all,
her reflection smiled in the most not-so-comforting way,
and laughed so unlike herself.
She gasped in agony
as her reflection inched towards her,
grinning like the Cheshire cat,
inching towards her soul…
She threw herself to the side.
His phone rang.
With tears in her eyes she pressed the phone to her ear.
He sighed and looked at the screen.
She began sobbing as her reflection got closer, praying for an answer.
He sat upright and leaped for the phone.
The darkness was at her doorstep…
"Hello?" said he.
"Hi." said she.
"I have nightmares." said he.
"I am afraid of who I am becoming" said she.
"You are beautiful, and if you become anybody else, you will still be beautiful." said he.
"Nightmares are nothing to you. You are brave, and nightmares cannot hurt the saviour you are." said she.
The reflection gasped and vanished.
The door opened with a slam.
He sat up, staring.
She held onto the door knob, staring back.
She smiled, tears running down her cheeks.
"You make the nightmares go away."
"You make the darkness go away."
They stood in front of each other, gazing.
"Just wanted to say "
"…have been meaning to tell you this for a while-"
"…that I am-"
"…in love with you."
"You’re my saviour."
This is what I would say to you,
every day if I have to:
It is easy to love you,
I hope you know that.
I love them all.
Being with you isn’t easy;
there are so many things that get in the way.
all of those things that make me cry,
and make you dead quiet with all those thoughts in your head.
after all the ugly stuff,
when we smile at each other again,
when we laugh together again,
all the ugly doesn’t matter anymore.
It’s not like I’m afraid,
to say those words.
I don’t mind telling you everyday,
I don’t mind telling you when it’s a hundred,
and then telling you when its an eighty-five again.
Because hundred or not,
those words don’t really lose meaning.
Don’t think they will for as long as I can see it.
Falling for you is inevitable.
Because it has already happened.
And I know the fears you have,
I understand the fears you have.
Fears do that to people,
they ruffle them up and leave them in a painful daze.
I would be lying,
if I dint think of changing what we are everyday.
Don’t get me wrong, love.
What is now,
that is perfect,
anything with you is perfect,
so don’t think about it too much.
What will happen,
and we both may laugh or cry,
whisper or shout,
but that won’t matter, love,
as long as the connection we have is not severed,
and we have each other,
doesn’t matter if as lovers, or as friends,
because my love won’t diminish.
It’ll be there in different forms,
so if you ever get scared again,
hopefully you’ll think of my love,
and know that even if you’re all alone,
you have my love to come back to.
I remember it well.
I remember my knees buckling from the news,
The air being knocked out of me,
The shocks of pain radiating through my body…
It felt like my heart stopped beating,
Just like that.
The facts I was told
Clashed with what I wanted to believe;
You could not be dead.
You cannot be gone.
You can’t leave me and go away,
To a place I have to sacrifice myself to get to.
I couldn’t stop shaking.
I couldn’t stop sobbing.
I knew what could stop the crying,
You, wrapping your arm around me,
And leaning your head on my shoulder…
Where were you?
It’s been a year since I had last seen you,
Two years before the present.
You said you’d be back,
You said you were okay.
Where did you go?
Who took you?
I would follow that being to the end of the Earth,
To get you back.
Why aren’t you answering me?
Am I demanding too much?
You know I need you.
To face the music.
Will you visit?
Drop in on me,
To laugh together.
Will you be back soon?
And suddenly, it’s six months later.
I’m still crying,
My head behind my school bag in class,
My sobs held in.
But, it isn’t the same pain.
Not being hit by a bus,
But like falling down a flight on stairs.
I can smile more,
I can feel past the pain,
But I still whisper out to you
From time to time,
To hear your voice once more.
I don’t talk much,
Sit in a corner,
And I watch the people around me.
Like I’m frozen in time.
They try to talk to me,
But after a point they stop.
I see their helpless faces,
And I call out to you once more.
But it’s broken…
Are you okay?
I’ve spoken to your mother today,
We’re both doing okay.
I can’t tell if you’re okay.
How does it feel,
Is it like being alive,
But fortunately less glamorous?
Do you knock on my door often,
But go away when I fail to hear the sound?
Do you miss talking to me?
The way we used to talk,
Do you miss that?
What do you do nowadays?
Do you take care of yourself?
Do you miss me so bad it’s like you can’t breathe?
Now, a year later,
I lie in bed,
With a heavy heart.
Sometimes still trying to wrap my head around what happened.
Sometimes I can remember you without crying,
And it hurts,
To think that I have gotten over you.
There are so many complexities in life now,
That I need your opinion for.
I haven’t been fair to you,
Isn’t not hurting for your unfair?
For all those times I should have been there,
That’s what the pain reminds me of.
It’s what I deserve.
But I do need you.
More than you know it.
And I lie in bed,
Staring at the fan,
Trying to figure out
Why time is running away from us…
I will not forget you.
I don’t want to let go of that pain.
How could I?
You deserve it,
Me pining for you.
You’ve always been there for me,
And now it’s my turn.
Remember that bench,
The one we owned,
The one we should have carved our initials into?
I’m going to go sit there,
And talk about absolutely anything,
And I don’t have to look;
You’ll be there,
And for once,
I will hear you.
I wake up in the middle of the night,
To find you gone.
I call out to you,
Yell out to you,
Cry out to you,
And when you don’t reply,
The tears don’t stop.
I know you’re not gone.
I know you won’t leave.
But until you don’t show up next to me,
And hold me in your arms,
While your clothes soak up my tears,
I believe the contrary;
That you aren’t coming back,
And no matter how much I squeeze my eyes shut,
And repeat to myself that you’re right next to me,
Many years worth of abandonment swarms me like bees,
And they go away when you sing in my ear.
So this insane fear of losing you,
It makes me do things I’m willing to change;
I stay up the whole night sometimes,
Just watching you do what you do.
I sleep for a while but keep peeking from under the sheets,
To see you,
Until you come to bed,
Next to me,
With your arms around me.
Every now and then,
I sit up straight,
While you work,
Whether you would stop a while,
Come to bed beforehand,
Just a few times more than usual,
To be with me,
Just a little more than usual.
My fear eats me alive,
When I dream of asking you questions,
Questions that involve compromise
From both sides.
Traumatic incidents pin me down,
And I am unable to reach you.
Because, what if I ask you for a little change,
And you find reasons to leave?
What if I ask,
If we could give time slots to each other,
Just for each other,
And you get annoyed?
So I ask questions to compensate for the questions I’m too afraid to ask,
Questions that are useless except they have back stories that you know why I can’t ask.
And when I try to ask,
I get bitter,
Because that fear just keeps punching me again and again.
All I want now,
Is time with you,
To lie down,
And stare at the stars.
So, what’s wrong now?
What aren’t you happy with now?
There’s always something, isn’t there?
Something sad to feed off.
Don’t get me wrong…
Sadness can be quite powerfully healing sometimes,
But for how long?
That isn’t just the only confusion,
You always thought
That you just aren’t meant to be,
Aren’t meant to have
Which is love.
But you know,
That deep down inside,
You were telling your thoughts
To go to Hell.
And dreamt that
Someone will stay by you.
Can you tell if what you have now,
With that incident,
Where you bumped into that person,
At that place,
At that time;
Can you tell if that is exactly what you dreamt of?
Because you’re dreams were based
On selfish intentions.
Because, no matter how much you hated yourself,
You are all you thought of,
I know you enjoy it,
You enjoy giving that person,
Who you hit it off with,
Every joy you can possibly give.
That it would be difficult.
For the first time ever
It isn’t just you picking yourself up after a war…
There are two other hands holding you,
That must be different.
Usually, you’ve been by yourself.
Thought you tell yourself,
And yourself tells you.
But now it isn’t that…
It’s not rocket science.
It’s scary, that’s true…
But will running away help?
Telling yourself that you’ll ruin it,
That you’re already ruining it,
That’s running away from what you’re afraid of.
You’re afraid of knowing that you deserve it,
That you deserve the affection and compassion
Of someone else.
Give it a chance.
Give yourself a chance.
And even if it isn’t meant to be.
Then for now,
Just exhale and enjoy it.
Because it deserves to be given a chance.
I can tell you what I think of you.
It’s been forever since we laughed together,
been forever since I was myself around you;
you probably guessed,
that all those forevers ago I was not who I am now
the same way you are anything but what you were then.
Yet I can say,
that “I Love You” is an understatement
when it comes to you.
Because who I was then
still is there somewhere inside this head of mine.
And keeping that person alive
seems like a priority to me lately.
Now, you, over there.
I’ve known you hours,
maybe a few weeks, tops.
Yet there is this connection,
which makes things seem perfect.
But not all the time.
I’ve fought more with you than any other person I’m not related to.
I care immensely about what you think,
whether it’s about my bad hair day,
to whether it’s about how unpredictable I am.
These feelings are different.
They aren’t those emotions that run wild inside me,
when the concept of “forever” is brought up,
Yet, I just can’t get enough of you.
It’s just so hard to think of one more night without you.
I wonder what needs fixing;
my mind, or my heart.
I can’t tell whats been wounded more.
An ache that has been there forever,
or this beautiful pain that I just don’t want to leave behind.
And if I lose both,
and am left with nothing but myself,
will it be relief that I will feel,
or will Hell break lose?
You look tired;
What is causing your pain?
And all your, self pity.
You need someone;
To give you strength,
To give you love,
To give you everything.
Are you inadequate?
Oh, that’s right.
You’re capable of doing anything,
And when anything doesn’t happen,
What do you do?
You ignore it,
Look over your blunder.
Because you’re embarrassed,
Of facing it.
Facing the fact,
That you fall not in the top most category
Of intelligent people.
You sit, think, burn
Over why this happens to you
Of all people.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
You have helped as many people as you could,
You have been the best child you could manage to be,
You have been the best person you could manage to be.
Yet you are repaid with nothing
But a truck load of miseries.
Because you just don’t get it.
Life isn’t like paying your bills,
Where if you do everything right,
You get what you deserve.
It isn’t that simple.
You cannot compare life to anything.
Because once you do,
You have expectations from it.
You wait for the good after the bad,
And if it doesn’t show up,
You go mad.
Mad because you expected good,
And got bad.
You poor baby.
It never works that way.
How much ever you plan,
Your plan will never go just as you imagined it.
Maybe for a day,
Or a week,
Or a month,
Or a year,
Or a decade,
The planning would have gone to waste.
Because life said so.
Life isn’t always that simple.
You expect a nice, clean bedroom,
Where you have a paper stuck to your door,
Telling you where everything is.
That’s just it.
It is nothing like that.
That happened because of this,
So those clothes are under those books,
On top of all that stationary,
Next to the un-ruled unused sheets of paper,
Next to that plastic cover,
Containing the box your phone came in,
Which is charging,
Next to that bundle of ear phones,
On top of all those wires,
To all those pendrives,
And so on and so forth.
Life is so messy,
That once you clean one part,
Another part shows up.
It starts like a drop of ink,
Which is dropped on a wet tissue,
And it spreads;
Branches out to so many places.
You meet someone,
But anyone has a special someone,
A someone you want to be,
And you think at that point,
That you deserved the special someone’s someone.
Someone will not be your special someone yet,
Because special someone
Someone already knows longer.
You have a special someone,
Someone you wish to be with,
And with all these someones,
Why you’re in this mess,
And you feel you dint deserve it,
Forgetting, that because you thought you deserved it,
You got into it.
But you sulk and cry,
Because you don’t deserve it.
In all that pain, mess,
Staying up all night.
You seem confused,
Because you don’t know what to expect,
Forgetting that you shouldn’t expect anything,
And you wonder how to fix it all,
Because you forgot to remember
That you are incapable.
Just keep on going,
You have nothing,
Just a clock ticking on,
Then you look in that mirror,
To see that,
To your surprise,
You look tired.
Do you ever wonder why?
Nights are comforting.
Your voice sounds like a melody,
Soothing the burns on my veins,
Fixing the cracks on my heart,
Saving my soul from the insanity of it all.
Your kisses are like feathers brushing against my skin;
They tickle, make me feel light and fuzzy,
And the din of the weariness is muffled,
When you kiss my ears.
I like lying under you
With your arms wrapped around my stomach,
Your head under my chin,
Your beard warming my heart,
And our breaths synchronised.
Sometimes it’s the other way around,
And your shoulders are my pillows.
About anything and everything;
Occasionally you giggle
And I laugh and trace shapes on your chest with my fingers.
After long, hard days,
We both crash on the couch together;
You wrap your arms around me,
Press your lips to my hair,
And take in silence.
Your sighs I listen to
Like soft music playing from somewhere…
In that musical silence,
There is peace,
That is wrapped around us
Like a comforting blanket.
You know that feeling,
Where the right song
Feels like there is a gas leak,
And you can smell something wrong.
Your expression changes,
You pull your eyebrows together;
You know something is wrong,
But through the fog you can’t tell.
Then you fear the unknown;
There is that certain heaviness above your heart.
Each beat is strained, forced,
And it ends with a tired sigh.
You close your eyes,
And your heart aches with terror.
Each breath is painful,
Each movement is agonising.
You feel claustrophobic in an open meadow,
The world isn’t enough.
Focus evades you,
You are numb with all that sensation,
And you are lost in misunderstanding.
They are all incomplete.
All of them.
The ink is running out.
The paper is beginning to burn.
Time is running out.
The sun is about to set on new moon’s day,
The darkest of nights filling up the emptiness in my head.
And I’m drowning in all that confusion,
My eyes burning from the pain,
My heart aching from all that loss,
My head hurting from all those words,
To be said,
That have been said,
That I am saying.
I land on a beach,
Bleeding, soaked in misery,
And a butterfly lands on my nose,
A little pink one.
And I just stare,
As it just sits there,
All of a sudden,
A million pink butterflies appear around me,
And I am lost among them.
I just watch as they dance,
And slowly move away.
Stare around me,
I think hard,
Try to unlock that drawer in my head that does not exist,
To figure out how I got there.
But as fast as the butterflies appeared,
All the darkness just disappeared.